Thursday, November 17, 2011

Results and Grief

So we heard from the doctor yesterday... ... It was not good news. We have a zero percent chance of ever getting pregnant. To be blunt and honest, G-Man had a sperm count of LITERALLY Zero. They did not find one. And the last time I checked you can't get pregnant without sperm (aside from Mary and Jesus...)

I have entered a time of grieving right now. I think that I am still in shock a bit. We thought that his count would be low, not non-existant... I am sure that the hardest will be when I start my new cycle and realize that we don't need to TRY on the fertile days.

Eventually we will discern adoption, though we know that international is out because most countries won't let you adopt if you've had cancer and G-Man's just beaten his third type.  Thinking about adoption is hard right now too because we know that it will be a WHILE before we are in a place to adopt. All of this has been frustrating because people's responce has been, "Well, just adopt." As if that is the same. Adoption is a conpletely different calling. And the fact that we have to deal with this natural evil is not  instantly healed by raising and loving someone else's biological child.

G-Man and I willl discern adoption when the time comes; when we are a bit more healed from this HUGE wound. We will not substitute another child for the ones we can never have. If we are to adopt is will be for the love of THAT child; for the dignity of that particulatr human being.

Please keep us in your prayers as we try to heal from this. I am not really sure how to at this point.
A part of me just wants to go crazy and dye my hair black or something in defiance of God. But it is God who will get us through this.  Oh, God Get us through this.

I know that there are many blessings to be found with this news and I think that my next post will be dedicated to finding those blessings. Right now, I am in a time of mourning.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Patience... ... ...

Our NaPro Doc's office called today with some results from a test we did a few weeks ago.  Technically, they are G-man's results but last time I checked he can't get pregnant but they insisted that they have to talk to Grant... I thought we had already cleared that up. Anyways, Doc wants to meet with us to discuss but it is a 2 hours drive so we just wanted to hear the results over the phone. The lady on the phone said that she will try and get Doc to call. Well, he didn't and now I am going a bit stir crazy!

This could be the result that tells us to either stop trying or keep it up.... I mean, it probably won't be so cut and dry but it is hard to not think in terms of black and white.

On another note, I started working on my presentation for Catholic Christian Outreach's Women's Night this month! I think it is going to be pretty good! I am actually really excited! This will be my first presentation on Theology of the Body.  I think of it as part of the discernment process too because if I don't enjoy this, why I am investing so much time and money into it!

OH, another exciting thing! I have had my point of change! I am so happy about that because I didn't ovulate last cycle and it is day 18 in this cycle. I was worried I was going to have another weird one! But nope! I really get peace out of charting! It is so empowering to know what is happening in my body. And on a Theology of the Body level, knowing my body helps me see how God is using my body to bring me closer to Him!

My knee is almost healed! Only two more physio app. to go. I am walking almost normally now! Thank the Lord.

Now, if only I could stop thinking about those test results... ... patience...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Know Thyself

A part of my journey right now is losing weight. But this past weekend it has been hard to keep this  focus. I am a part of Weight Watchers and I just reached my 5% goal this past week. Total I have lost 11lbs. So on Monday night I looked at myself honestly and I asked for my husbands help to figure out why I fell off the plan the last few days.

That is when I realized that I track/monitor almost everything that my body is doing! With CrMS I track my cm, I am also tracking my PMS symptoms and all my cramps. For a part of the cycle I also track my temperature. With Weight Watchers I track all the food I eat and any exercise I do. I also track the vitamins that I take. Since I've sprained my knee I have had to remember to "walk with purpose" and to do the physio exercises three times a day. Because of the pain killers for my knee I have even had to watch my bathroom visits. So my wonderful G-Man reminded me that it is ok to take a step back every now and then and just let my body BE if I need to.

I will stop feeling guilty about falling off plan this weekend and I will try to be more in tune with my emotional being since I am so in tune with my physical being. I guess that is a function that this blog serves.

God bless!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Beginning or the End?

Sk's little boy was baptised today. G-Man and I went down the 5 hours yesterday to be there for it, which is good since we are the Godparents. He is a sweetie! He looks a little like a really cute baby goblin. He has the cutest wrinkly forehead. It was wonderful to see them and to meet him. I spent a while holding him on saturday night; just rocking/bouncing him to sleep. After I gave him back to his parents for the night though a deep and almost sweet heartbreak came over me.

I have been having a very difficult cycle. It has lasted 42 days with NO ovulation signs. And today I seem to have started back at day 1. This happens right after the doctor confirmed with us that I am in fact ovulating; which I knew almost because all of the signs were there, were always there. I have never seen this happen to me. So last night as my heart was bittersweet I was wondering, "what is going on with my cycle?" and this morning I wake up to my AF, even more confused, and of course unprepared because I thought I had a whole luteal phase to go. I had NO cramps or PMS symptoms like I normally do either!!

And I didn't sleep well because my poor sprained knee was in such pain. I am tired of being uncomfortable and sore. My other knee is now starting to bother me because it has been picking up the slack. And, not to be a big complainer, but I almost fell to the ground out of dizzyness today. You know how sometimes you can just feel a little dizzy. This was NOTHING like that. I never felt like that before. The whole world ACTUALLY started spinning. Lucky G-Man was right there and I grabbed onto him and it passed. But it made me even more frustrated with my body.

What is God trying to show me right now? I thought I learned that my body is not in my control after the 15th negative pregnancy test. I guess I have been learning how to accept my own weakness and to accept HELP.

I am blue right now. I feel completely out of control. I am relying on God.

There is a certain beauty in my need for God that I am starting to recognize though. This does not make all of this easier to go through but instead allows me to step back and be thankful.

And I am THANKFUL for G-Man. Oh, that man! He is a rock. I see Christ in him so easily. My love for him and my appreciation for him has grown the last little while! His strength and his compassion are awe inspiring. And I love him. I have been offering a lot of this suffering up for him and in hope of someday bearing HIS children!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Even Miracles take a Little Time."

Grant is probably getting out of surgery now. I wish I was there. Golly, I love that man!

A little while ago, I had a meeting with my NaPro doc, Doc. L, that really opened my eyes. I knew that I had gained weight since I got married and I knew that I wasn't trim before I got married and I knew that being overweight wasn't helping my chances of conceiving but I wasn't HEARING this until I stepped on the scale as Doc. L's office and I was 216 lbs. And I knew what conversation was coming; a conversation I never wanted to have. So I did something about it. I joined weight watchers and I have been working on getting healthier!

It has not been smooth sailing. I had two weeks where I fell off the band wagon. BUT, I got back on. I have lost 9.5lbs so far. I had a weight in yesterday and I lost 0.5lb. It was a little frustrating because I knew I would have lost more if I hadn't injuried my knee. It is easier to eat junk when you are in pain... and on doctor ordered rest. But I have to be proud of the 1/2 lb I did lose and I need the strength to continue on this road even when I can't move easily; even when I am in pain. It is for my baby, whoever they are.

My baby. Sometimes I just think of them as a dream... and a wispy one at that; someone off far in the distance that has almost no bearing on my life at the present moment. But so much of my time and energy is spent trying to get closer to them. I had a laugh with another friend of mine who is having fertility problems also. We were laughing because we think that a positive pregnancy test is a myth! Something they tell high school girls so they'll keep their legs crossed. I know I've never seen one and I've taken more then my fair share. That is one nice thing about charting. I know a day or two before my period if I am pregnant. I don't have to take those dream sticks right now. It is getting harder and harder to believe I will see a positive one day.

I was looking at adoption agency websites today. The fact that we are NOT called to adoption right now really hit home. The cost has always been there as a blockage before. But I read a line about looking into the couple's health and how health issues can exclude you from adoption. I thought about Grant. We both have come to terms with the fact that he isn't going to live as long as most people. The cancer enemy is more then likely going to come again and he won't be able to beat it. He is only 23 and has had cancer three times. I know that this doesn't mean for sure that we can't adopt but it does mean that until he is completely out of the water for this time, adoption isn't in the picture.

On another note, our vitamins arrived today! We will be starting them probably are Friday. At least it will feel like we are doing SOMETHING!

I got a plaque the other day to treat myself (without food) and it has a line from Cinderella on it. I have to remember this line. It is my encouraging thought for today.

"Even Miracles take a little time."

We have only been with Creighton for 6 months. There is Hope. Rejoice in the Hope.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Frustration Minutes

I am trapped inside. I injured my knee last friday and have been stuck inside, on the couch since.

Last night, around 2am, I was getting very upset with God. Why did he have to allow my knee injury now? G-Man has surgery tomorrow! We don't need another thing on our plate; another way to make life complicated! After his surgery, he will have a useless arm to add to my useless leg. We need help to get through this but everyone we would ask is either busy or lives far away.

I really feel connected to whichever saint said, "Lord, if this is how you treat your friends no wonder you have so few!" Sometimes I feel like life right now is just toooo busy.

And to add insult to injury I still haven't ovulated. I am on CD 38.

G-Man gets so nervous when I am upset. He doesn't know how to act, what to do or say. And I get snippy with him. I know I shouldn't. Especially last night though, I just felt like I was going to explode. I was in pain and I couldn't get to sleep.  I apologized though. It is not ok for me to treat him like that.

I asked God last night why? Why throw ALL of this stuff at us now? I think the response I got was, "To see what you will do with it? I am giving you time! What are you going to do with it?" I guess I do have time since I can't go anywhere right now.

So today I have really started this blog, I quilted, I organized our travel plans over the next little while, and I even challenged myself with a walk. It was a very small, slow one but it felt good. I took pride in the fact that I CAN walk; that I didn't just stay on the couch and mope.

And I know even more challenges are coming. We will be doing our SA and my follicular tracking soon. This will only get more complicated.

God help us.

Monday, January 24, 2011

The Beginning of Hope

For three years I have been living in a dark fog. The fog was dense and deep. I could not see where I was going; where God was leading me. I cried. I begged for answers; for light. I did not get any. It felt like God was simply giving me the bare minimum of hope and happiness. I would move through different events in my life like I was living in a cave. I felt like I was so deep into this cave that I couldn't even see an opening at the end. It was a cross.

But God is good. He knew what I was going through and what was still to come. There was worse things to come. All of this culminated into the last 4 months. These last months have been the most confusing and painful of my life. I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel but it felt like I was trapped. I couldn't move toward it. I wasn't moving, or if I was it was through quicksand and mud. Every step was an intense challenge. I could feel myself waking up from my spiritual coma. God was waking me up. And then, I was lost. I couldn't see what He wanted. I just kept focusing myself to walk towards a door that seemed open. I have always tried to walk through as many doors that seemed open and I assumed that the ones which didn't slam in my face were the ones I was suppose to walk through. So I applied to Queens and I got in with a massive busary. This seemed like the perfect second choice, since God obviously didn't want to give us a child. And yet, He made it so that I didn't know anything for sure. I walked through the Queen's door... it stayed open but I suddenly knew it wasn't the path for me, at least not right now. And then there was PEACE. A peace I haven't known in 3 years. I suddenly had hope again, Hope for a child and for a future. The problems with Grant (yes, there was little but still) they seems to be fixed. my sadness was changed for intense JOY. God has placed a smile on my face when I go to sleep at night. God has given me the means to live a dream and the desire to storm the heavens with prayers. I have HOPE. I have HOPE.

This was not a great moment of clarity. I am still not sure where I am going but I know that my heart is truly open to God's will. I know that God's will is corresponding to my hearts desire. One moment everything seems dark and the next there was light. I didn't even do anythign different. Instead, God showed me that the path is sometimes not about the end result but the journey, even when it is the most difficult, painful one of your life. God was challanging me to love Him more, to carry the cross. I did and I am.

I think that it is interesting how my most difficult years also came with the biggest blessing, my husband. My wonderful husband who carried me through. God does not challenge you without providing help.

And now I have HOPE. Hope in the future. Hope that someday soon Grant and I will be blessed with a Child.