For three years I have been living in a dark fog. The fog was dense and deep. I could not see where I was going; where God was leading me. I cried. I begged for answers; for light. I did not get any. It felt like God was simply giving me the bare minimum of hope and happiness. I would move through different events in my life like I was living in a cave. I felt like I was so deep into this cave that I couldn't even see an opening at the end. It was a cross.
But God is good. He knew what I was going through and what was still to come. There was worse things to come. All of this culminated into the last 4 months. These last months have been the most confusing and painful of my life. I finally saw a light at the end of the tunnel but it felt like I was trapped. I couldn't move toward it. I wasn't moving, or if I was it was through quicksand and mud. Every step was an intense challenge. I could feel myself waking up from my spiritual coma. God was waking me up. And then, I was lost. I couldn't see what He wanted. I just kept focusing myself to walk towards a door that seemed open. I have always tried to walk through as many doors that seemed open and I assumed that the ones which didn't slam in my face were the ones I was suppose to walk through. So I applied to Queens and I got in with a massive busary. This seemed like the perfect second choice, since God obviously didn't want to give us a child. And yet, He made it so that I didn't know anything for sure. I walked through the Queen's door... it stayed open but I suddenly knew it wasn't the path for me, at least not right now. And then there was PEACE. A peace I haven't known in 3 years. I suddenly had hope again, Hope for a child and for a future. The problems with Grant (yes, there was little but still) they seems to be fixed. my sadness was changed for intense JOY. God has placed a smile on my face when I go to sleep at night. God has given me the means to live a dream and the desire to storm the heavens with prayers. I have HOPE. I have HOPE.
This was not a great moment of clarity. I am still not sure where I am going but I know that my heart is truly open to God's will. I know that God's will is corresponding to my hearts desire. One moment everything seems dark and the next there was light. I didn't even do anythign different. Instead, God showed me that the path is sometimes not about the end result but the journey, even when it is the most difficult, painful one of your life. God was challanging me to love Him more, to carry the cross. I did and I am.
I think that it is interesting how my most difficult years also came with the biggest blessing, my husband. My wonderful husband who carried me through. God does not challenge you without providing help.
And now I have HOPE. Hope in the future. Hope that someday soon Grant and I will be blessed with a Child.