Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Beginning or the End?

Sk's little boy was baptised today. G-Man and I went down the 5 hours yesterday to be there for it, which is good since we are the Godparents. He is a sweetie! He looks a little like a really cute baby goblin. He has the cutest wrinkly forehead. It was wonderful to see them and to meet him. I spent a while holding him on saturday night; just rocking/bouncing him to sleep. After I gave him back to his parents for the night though a deep and almost sweet heartbreak came over me.

I have been having a very difficult cycle. It has lasted 42 days with NO ovulation signs. And today I seem to have started back at day 1. This happens right after the doctor confirmed with us that I am in fact ovulating; which I knew almost because all of the signs were there, were always there. I have never seen this happen to me. So last night as my heart was bittersweet I was wondering, "what is going on with my cycle?" and this morning I wake up to my AF, even more confused, and of course unprepared because I thought I had a whole luteal phase to go. I had NO cramps or PMS symptoms like I normally do either!!

And I didn't sleep well because my poor sprained knee was in such pain. I am tired of being uncomfortable and sore. My other knee is now starting to bother me because it has been picking up the slack. And, not to be a big complainer, but I almost fell to the ground out of dizzyness today. You know how sometimes you can just feel a little dizzy. This was NOTHING like that. I never felt like that before. The whole world ACTUALLY started spinning. Lucky G-Man was right there and I grabbed onto him and it passed. But it made me even more frustrated with my body.

What is God trying to show me right now? I thought I learned that my body is not in my control after the 15th negative pregnancy test. I guess I have been learning how to accept my own weakness and to accept HELP.

I am blue right now. I feel completely out of control. I am relying on God.

There is a certain beauty in my need for God that I am starting to recognize though. This does not make all of this easier to go through but instead allows me to step back and be thankful.

And I am THANKFUL for G-Man. Oh, that man! He is a rock. I see Christ in him so easily. My love for him and my appreciation for him has grown the last little while! His strength and his compassion are awe inspiring. And I love him. I have been offering a lot of this suffering up for him and in hope of someday bearing HIS children!

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