Thursday, November 17, 2011

Results and Grief

So we heard from the doctor yesterday... ... It was not good news. We have a zero percent chance of ever getting pregnant. To be blunt and honest, G-Man had a sperm count of LITERALLY Zero. They did not find one. And the last time I checked you can't get pregnant without sperm (aside from Mary and Jesus...)

I have entered a time of grieving right now. I think that I am still in shock a bit. We thought that his count would be low, not non-existant... I am sure that the hardest will be when I start my new cycle and realize that we don't need to TRY on the fertile days.

Eventually we will discern adoption, though we know that international is out because most countries won't let you adopt if you've had cancer and G-Man's just beaten his third type.  Thinking about adoption is hard right now too because we know that it will be a WHILE before we are in a place to adopt. All of this has been frustrating because people's responce has been, "Well, just adopt." As if that is the same. Adoption is a conpletely different calling. And the fact that we have to deal with this natural evil is not  instantly healed by raising and loving someone else's biological child.

G-Man and I willl discern adoption when the time comes; when we are a bit more healed from this HUGE wound. We will not substitute another child for the ones we can never have. If we are to adopt is will be for the love of THAT child; for the dignity of that particulatr human being.

Please keep us in your prayers as we try to heal from this. I am not really sure how to at this point.
A part of me just wants to go crazy and dye my hair black or something in defiance of God. But it is God who will get us through this.  Oh, God Get us through this.

I know that there are many blessings to be found with this news and I think that my next post will be dedicated to finding those blessings. Right now, I am in a time of mourning.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Patience... ... ...

Our NaPro Doc's office called today with some results from a test we did a few weeks ago.  Technically, they are G-man's results but last time I checked he can't get pregnant but they insisted that they have to talk to Grant... I thought we had already cleared that up. Anyways, Doc wants to meet with us to discuss but it is a 2 hours drive so we just wanted to hear the results over the phone. The lady on the phone said that she will try and get Doc to call. Well, he didn't and now I am going a bit stir crazy!

This could be the result that tells us to either stop trying or keep it up.... I mean, it probably won't be so cut and dry but it is hard to not think in terms of black and white.

On another note, I started working on my presentation for Catholic Christian Outreach's Women's Night this month! I think it is going to be pretty good! I am actually really excited! This will be my first presentation on Theology of the Body.  I think of it as part of the discernment process too because if I don't enjoy this, why I am investing so much time and money into it!

OH, another exciting thing! I have had my point of change! I am so happy about that because I didn't ovulate last cycle and it is day 18 in this cycle. I was worried I was going to have another weird one! But nope! I really get peace out of charting! It is so empowering to know what is happening in my body. And on a Theology of the Body level, knowing my body helps me see how God is using my body to bring me closer to Him!

My knee is almost healed! Only two more physio app. to go. I am walking almost normally now! Thank the Lord.

Now, if only I could stop thinking about those test results... ... patience...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Know Thyself

A part of my journey right now is losing weight. But this past weekend it has been hard to keep this  focus. I am a part of Weight Watchers and I just reached my 5% goal this past week. Total I have lost 11lbs. So on Monday night I looked at myself honestly and I asked for my husbands help to figure out why I fell off the plan the last few days.

That is when I realized that I track/monitor almost everything that my body is doing! With CrMS I track my cm, I am also tracking my PMS symptoms and all my cramps. For a part of the cycle I also track my temperature. With Weight Watchers I track all the food I eat and any exercise I do. I also track the vitamins that I take. Since I've sprained my knee I have had to remember to "walk with purpose" and to do the physio exercises three times a day. Because of the pain killers for my knee I have even had to watch my bathroom visits. So my wonderful G-Man reminded me that it is ok to take a step back every now and then and just let my body BE if I need to.

I will stop feeling guilty about falling off plan this weekend and I will try to be more in tune with my emotional being since I am so in tune with my physical being. I guess that is a function that this blog serves.

God bless!