So we heard from the doctor yesterday... ... It was not good news. We have a zero percent chance of ever getting pregnant. To be blunt and honest, G-Man had a sperm count of LITERALLY Zero. They did not find one. And the last time I checked you can't get pregnant without sperm (aside from Mary and Jesus...)
I have entered a time of grieving right now. I think that I am still in shock a bit. We thought that his count would be low, not non-existant... I am sure that the hardest will be when I start my new cycle and realize that we don't need to TRY on the fertile days.
Eventually we will discern adoption, though we know that international is out because most countries won't let you adopt if you've had cancer and G-Man's just beaten his third type. Thinking about adoption is hard right now too because we know that it will be a WHILE before we are in a place to adopt. All of this has been frustrating because people's responce has been, "Well, just adopt." As if that is the same. Adoption is a conpletely different calling. And the fact that we have to deal with this natural evil is not instantly healed by raising and loving someone else's biological child.
G-Man and I willl discern adoption when the time comes; when we are a bit more healed from this HUGE wound. We will not substitute another child for the ones we can never have. If we are to adopt is will be for the love of THAT child; for the dignity of that particulatr human being.
Please keep us in your prayers as we try to heal from this. I am not really sure how to at this point.
A part of me just wants to go crazy and dye my hair black or something in defiance of God. But it is God who will get us through this. Oh, God Get us through this.
I know that there are many blessings to be found with this news and I think that my next post will be dedicated to finding those blessings. Right now, I am in a time of mourning.