Thursday, November 17, 2011

Results and Grief

So we heard from the doctor yesterday... ... It was not good news. We have a zero percent chance of ever getting pregnant. To be blunt and honest, G-Man had a sperm count of LITERALLY Zero. They did not find one. And the last time I checked you can't get pregnant without sperm (aside from Mary and Jesus...)

I have entered a time of grieving right now. I think that I am still in shock a bit. We thought that his count would be low, not non-existant... I am sure that the hardest will be when I start my new cycle and realize that we don't need to TRY on the fertile days.

Eventually we will discern adoption, though we know that international is out because most countries won't let you adopt if you've had cancer and G-Man's just beaten his third type.  Thinking about adoption is hard right now too because we know that it will be a WHILE before we are in a place to adopt. All of this has been frustrating because people's responce has been, "Well, just adopt." As if that is the same. Adoption is a conpletely different calling. And the fact that we have to deal with this natural evil is not  instantly healed by raising and loving someone else's biological child.

G-Man and I willl discern adoption when the time comes; when we are a bit more healed from this HUGE wound. We will not substitute another child for the ones we can never have. If we are to adopt is will be for the love of THAT child; for the dignity of that particulatr human being.

Please keep us in your prayers as we try to heal from this. I am not really sure how to at this point.
A part of me just wants to go crazy and dye my hair black or something in defiance of God. But it is God who will get us through this.  Oh, God Get us through this.

I know that there are many blessings to be found with this news and I think that my next post will be dedicated to finding those blessings. Right now, I am in a time of mourning.


  1. I am so sorry for your hurt. I will keep you both in my prayers that you may find strength through this. May God answer your questions and help you discern what is right for you and your husband.

  2. It is 100% okay to be in a time of mourning right now. I am so sorry about this news. Please know that you and your husband are in my prayers and you are correct, God WILL get you through this. This news is heartbreaking but He has you close to his heart right now. I am sorry. Praying for you!

  3. I am so sorry that you got such tough news. It is totally okay to mourn. God will lead you to your answers!

    I am praying for you!

  4. Praying for you. I'm so very sorry for the news you received. Take all the time you need to mourn, and as difficult as it may be, don't lose faith.

  5. I am so, so sorry for this devastating news. I will be praying for God to carry you both through this. You are right to mourn this huge loss.

  6. I realized I didn't know how else to reach you other than here...I just wanted to let you know that you were in my prayers yesterday and continue to be today.

  7. I know this is an old post, but I am so glad I found it. Until now, I have not found anyone in our same situation - Catholic, no sperm, adoption not happening either. Wow. We were even married just a month before you guys. Received our infertility diagnosis of zero sperm one year after you.

    I have felt so alone in this journey. Everyone says things like, "God has a plan" or "Just adopt" or "Can't you do IVF?" Even in Catholic groups, the talk is often all about doctor visits and Hcg shots. Not helpful. Where am I going? What does it mean? How can I help my husband through this?

    While I am glad to have found you, I am not thrilled that you have to feel this pain too. Know that I am praying for you and your husband.

    1. Oh! On top of all that, we are in training to become NFP teachers.

    2. Thank you for commenting! It means a lot to know there is someone else out there that is going through the (exact) same thing! Please view my profile and email me! I would love to chat with you more!