Sunday, October 23, 2011

The Beginning or the End?

Sk's little boy was baptised today. G-Man and I went down the 5 hours yesterday to be there for it, which is good since we are the Godparents. He is a sweetie! He looks a little like a really cute baby goblin. He has the cutest wrinkly forehead. It was wonderful to see them and to meet him. I spent a while holding him on saturday night; just rocking/bouncing him to sleep. After I gave him back to his parents for the night though a deep and almost sweet heartbreak came over me.

I have been having a very difficult cycle. It has lasted 42 days with NO ovulation signs. And today I seem to have started back at day 1. This happens right after the doctor confirmed with us that I am in fact ovulating; which I knew almost because all of the signs were there, were always there. I have never seen this happen to me. So last night as my heart was bittersweet I was wondering, "what is going on with my cycle?" and this morning I wake up to my AF, even more confused, and of course unprepared because I thought I had a whole luteal phase to go. I had NO cramps or PMS symptoms like I normally do either!!

And I didn't sleep well because my poor sprained knee was in such pain. I am tired of being uncomfortable and sore. My other knee is now starting to bother me because it has been picking up the slack. And, not to be a big complainer, but I almost fell to the ground out of dizzyness today. You know how sometimes you can just feel a little dizzy. This was NOTHING like that. I never felt like that before. The whole world ACTUALLY started spinning. Lucky G-Man was right there and I grabbed onto him and it passed. But it made me even more frustrated with my body.

What is God trying to show me right now? I thought I learned that my body is not in my control after the 15th negative pregnancy test. I guess I have been learning how to accept my own weakness and to accept HELP.

I am blue right now. I feel completely out of control. I am relying on God.

There is a certain beauty in my need for God that I am starting to recognize though. This does not make all of this easier to go through but instead allows me to step back and be thankful.

And I am THANKFUL for G-Man. Oh, that man! He is a rock. I see Christ in him so easily. My love for him and my appreciation for him has grown the last little while! His strength and his compassion are awe inspiring. And I love him. I have been offering a lot of this suffering up for him and in hope of someday bearing HIS children!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

"Even Miracles take a Little Time."

Grant is probably getting out of surgery now. I wish I was there. Golly, I love that man!

A little while ago, I had a meeting with my NaPro doc, Doc. L, that really opened my eyes. I knew that I had gained weight since I got married and I knew that I wasn't trim before I got married and I knew that being overweight wasn't helping my chances of conceiving but I wasn't HEARING this until I stepped on the scale as Doc. L's office and I was 216 lbs. And I knew what conversation was coming; a conversation I never wanted to have. So I did something about it. I joined weight watchers and I have been working on getting healthier!

It has not been smooth sailing. I had two weeks where I fell off the band wagon. BUT, I got back on. I have lost 9.5lbs so far. I had a weight in yesterday and I lost 0.5lb. It was a little frustrating because I knew I would have lost more if I hadn't injuried my knee. It is easier to eat junk when you are in pain... and on doctor ordered rest. But I have to be proud of the 1/2 lb I did lose and I need the strength to continue on this road even when I can't move easily; even when I am in pain. It is for my baby, whoever they are.

My baby. Sometimes I just think of them as a dream... and a wispy one at that; someone off far in the distance that has almost no bearing on my life at the present moment. But so much of my time and energy is spent trying to get closer to them. I had a laugh with another friend of mine who is having fertility problems also. We were laughing because we think that a positive pregnancy test is a myth! Something they tell high school girls so they'll keep their legs crossed. I know I've never seen one and I've taken more then my fair share. That is one nice thing about charting. I know a day or two before my period if I am pregnant. I don't have to take those dream sticks right now. It is getting harder and harder to believe I will see a positive one day.

I was looking at adoption agency websites today. The fact that we are NOT called to adoption right now really hit home. The cost has always been there as a blockage before. But I read a line about looking into the couple's health and how health issues can exclude you from adoption. I thought about Grant. We both have come to terms with the fact that he isn't going to live as long as most people. The cancer enemy is more then likely going to come again and he won't be able to beat it. He is only 23 and has had cancer three times. I know that this doesn't mean for sure that we can't adopt but it does mean that until he is completely out of the water for this time, adoption isn't in the picture.

On another note, our vitamins arrived today! We will be starting them probably are Friday. At least it will feel like we are doing SOMETHING!

I got a plaque the other day to treat myself (without food) and it has a line from Cinderella on it. I have to remember this line. It is my encouraging thought for today.

"Even Miracles take a little time."

We have only been with Creighton for 6 months. There is Hope. Rejoice in the Hope.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Frustration Minutes

I am trapped inside. I injured my knee last friday and have been stuck inside, on the couch since.

Last night, around 2am, I was getting very upset with God. Why did he have to allow my knee injury now? G-Man has surgery tomorrow! We don't need another thing on our plate; another way to make life complicated! After his surgery, he will have a useless arm to add to my useless leg. We need help to get through this but everyone we would ask is either busy or lives far away.

I really feel connected to whichever saint said, "Lord, if this is how you treat your friends no wonder you have so few!" Sometimes I feel like life right now is just toooo busy.

And to add insult to injury I still haven't ovulated. I am on CD 38.

G-Man gets so nervous when I am upset. He doesn't know how to act, what to do or say. And I get snippy with him. I know I shouldn't. Especially last night though, I just felt like I was going to explode. I was in pain and I couldn't get to sleep.  I apologized though. It is not ok for me to treat him like that.

I asked God last night why? Why throw ALL of this stuff at us now? I think the response I got was, "To see what you will do with it? I am giving you time! What are you going to do with it?" I guess I do have time since I can't go anywhere right now.

So today I have really started this blog, I quilted, I organized our travel plans over the next little while, and I even challenged myself with a walk. It was a very small, slow one but it felt good. I took pride in the fact that I CAN walk; that I didn't just stay on the couch and mope.

And I know even more challenges are coming. We will be doing our SA and my follicular tracking soon. This will only get more complicated.

God help us.