Thursday, December 20, 2012

Two Important Songs

I wanted to share two songs that my soul is singing out right now:

1) Broken Praise, Todd Smith: This song really touches where I have been for the last few days, always on the verge of tears; Frustrated, Angry, Hurt, At the very end of my rope,  And in love with GOD and my husband!

I was going to highlight the really powerful lyrics but bolding the whole song seemed a little silly!

If one more person takes my hand and tries to say they understand
Tells me there's a bigger plan that I'm not meant to see
If one more person dares suggest that I held something unconfessed
Tries to make the dots connect from righteousness to easy street
Well I, I won't deny I've relied on some assumptions
A man's honest life entitles him to something

But who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham?
And who are You that You would choose to answer me with mercy new
How many more will wander past to find me here among the ashes
Will you hold me? Will you stay?
So I can raise this broken praise to You

Who else will see my suffering as one more opportunity
To educate; to help me see all my flawed theology
If one more well intentioned friend tries to tie up my loose ends
Hoping to, with rug and broom, sweep awkward moments from the room
But I, I can't forget, I have begged just like a madman
For my chance to die and never have to face the morning

But who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham?
And who are You that You would choose to answer me with mercy new
How many more will wander past to find me sitting in this ash
Will you hold me? Will you stay?
So I can raise this broken praise to You

But You were the One who filled my cup
And You were the One who let it spill
So blessed be your Holy name if you never fill it up again
If this is where my story ends, just give me one more breathe to say
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

2) Be Born in Me, Francesca Battistelli: This song may seem like an odd choice for someone who carries infertility since it is about Mary conceiving Jesus, BUT this song really speaks to how I want to live my life, to my frequent prayers to God. In many ways, this song IS my prayer to God. Lord, be born in me. Through my infertility make me abundantly spiritually fertile! This song is especially timely as Christmas is only 5 days away.
The bolded parts moved me to tears the first few times I heard this song. 

Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior?
If God is pleased with me, why am I so terrified?
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven's eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
Holy is He. Blessed am I.

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe
that You chose me
I'll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

All this time we've waited for the promise
All this time You've waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So we might know that Love would go that far?

Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I'll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours

Both these songs are from my new favourite cd, Music Inspired by THE STORY. Every song is realistically written from the perspective of a bible character. Beautiful and very thought provoking!

Sunday, December 16, 2012


I feel angry today.

I haven’t written in a long long while. This is partly because I was doing better with my infertility emotions and partly because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t doing great. Since I gave it all to God, completely, utterly, boundlessly; since I gave up actively pursuing having children to God, I have been doing well for the most part. I experience very often the beauty, the blessing, that is the cross of infertility. It hurts so much that I can't breath sometimes. But I have been trying very hard to not focus on this feeling. And I have made sure that there was a lot of other things to focus on. Christmas has a way though of bringing it all up front.
I was sitting in Mass today annoyed and angry at the families around me and at my well-intentioned parish priest who was talking about the importance of family and moms and dads. I just felt tense. And then I felt guilty for feeling so tense. Families, children, are wonderful things and those around me did nothing to deserve my tension but be great examples of the Christian family. I just felt exposed today, raw with emotions.

And this makes me angry sometimes, especially tonight.

G-Man and I were talking with a friend last night about the highlights of 2012 for us. And my wonderful husband said that this year has been a great year of us in my our relationship; that we have laughed a lot and this has been his highlight. I think about the amazing man that I married and I wouldn’t trade him for many children. But it also makes me want HIS children more. He is such a great husband and he would be a saint of a father. I want to see his eyes and his dimples on our child. I want to see his personality come out in the million little ways of an innocent child. We would have awe-inspiring children. Sometimes, at night, I dream about them in all their glory. The little girls have G-Man wrapped around their fingers and the boys are hellions, challenging and drive me crazy with how much they annoy their sisters. (which they learned from how G-Man likes to annoy me) I want to see my love of my husband take on flesh. And Christmas, when God took on flesh, reminds me so much more about this desire of my heart.

Everything else I am doing and filling my time with is a back-up plan. A beautiful, wonderful, grace-filled plan but plan B all the same.

And feeling this much emotion makes me angry. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel alone with my cross anymore. I don’t want to feel the emptiness of my womb so vividly. I just want to love my husband and my God through FLESH and SOUL. Eternally.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Sisters of Life

It has been a while since my last post. I went on a retreat with the Sisters of Life mid-February. I think that I have needed all this time to process that retreat. As I mentioned in my last post, I was going to be confronting God honestly about our infertility. And I did. Oh, did I EVER!

We arrived on Friday evening after making great time. As soon as I  got there I could feel the walls around my heart start crumpling.  I almost started crying immediately. We went for a walk around the grounds and I came to a statue of St. Therese. I stopped there and asked for her help. I felt such pain well up in me and I cried my opening tears. I asked for strength to confront this pain not hide from it. And the weekend began. We ate dinner and had a talk and then said night prayer. I was sitting in this beautiful chapel, staring up at the Tabernacle; at my Lord. And I said to Him, “Well, should we get started? I am ready if you are? I can wait until tomorrow if you would rather but I am ready now. Let’s do it.” And we started. I told Him how upset I am, how angry I am, how I don’t understand why He called me to marriage but not motherhood. “If I’m not called to be a mother, wouldn’t I be more use to you as a religious?!” I was crying out AT Him! I was questioning how He could even understand my pain; how could Mary either. She had a child! And then suddenly the point of view changed. I was not sitting in that pew alone, screaming out at Christ. Instead, I could feel Christ and Mary sitting beside me, having their arms around me, crying out to the Father WITH me. They were feeling what I was feeling. Their were there with me. And with that little bit of comfort I went to bed.

All day Saturday was a day living the agony in the garden. I felt like my heart was sweating blood.  I did the stations of the cross outside, placing my infertile self in Christ’s place all alone the road. I felt myself die with him. Something that really caught my attention though was the falls. Christ didn’t just fall and then get up hoping it would get better. He knew that after each fall, when he was completely drained, that He would be getting up and walking towards even worse pain! He knew He was walking towards death and yet He still continued on! This realization kept me going all day Saturday, knowing the worst was to come. At one point in the day I was walking the grounds and I found a statue of Mary hidden away behind some bushes. I came up right beside that statute, rested my head under her heart and broken completely down. And the day went on.

Saturday night came. This was their healing adoration service. This was where I asked God the question that I came there to ask. “Do I hold on for a miracle or do I let go completely?” I had brought a bag of baby items that made up my hope chest at home. I was prepared to give these items to the Sisters if that was God’s will. So I asked the questions and I felt like God was saying, “Let go.” So after the formal adoration time I went and talked with a beautiful Sister, telling her about my cross. She was wonderful; a true gift. She understood just what me giving these items meant. She described it as “an entrustment.” I cried and cried but we came up with a plan.

So that night, just before 12am, in front of Christ I surrendered. I brought my bag of baby hopes and placed it in front of the alter and in front of Christ in the monstrance. Then I prostrated myself right there. And I said, “I surrender myself to You, completely, utterly, boundlessly. I surrender myself to You and Your superior Will, because I love you.” I got up, went to my pew and prayed. The Sister came and took the bag away. I saw this as me giving this gift to Christ and Christ giving it to them. I expected to have a big final cry then. Instead, there was peace. The only way I can think to describe it is as Christ on the cross. He is torn up; crucified but no bones were broken. He was whole. I felt pain but I was not broken. I was whole.I was pierced but I felt peace. I did what I was suppose to do. Then I prayed the rosary. I was going to pray the sorrowful because of how sorrowful this weekend had been but instead I was driven to pray the glorious. And Indeed it was glorious. I could now place myself into the glorious mysteries, just have before I felt I was living the sorrowful. My wounds are still there. But in that moment there was HOPE.

I left that weekend knowing that there will be times I experience the falls again. I am living this life and there is pain. But there is also hope and peace and love. We live in this tension of “already, but not yet” during this time of salvation history. We experience something of heaven and redemption yet Christ is to come again. I am at peace. And it is GLORIOUS!

I know that there will be fruits from this. There will be Christ’s water and blood flowing from this wound of mine. Grace and blessings will come. God’s Will be Done, always and forever!

Thursday, February 2, 2012


There has been a lot going on in our lives this past little while. Sometimes I just can't believe how busy our life is! We are busy until November! That's BUSY. And all of this busyness serves one great big wonderful purpose, DIVERSION. If I am busy enough I can be happier with what I have because "How would a child fit into our life? Must not be God's plan" and I run to the next thing. And when I am not working on things I am drowning my time in entertainment, like sewing, or, right now, tv shows.

But every now and then I get smacked in the face with the truth that I am running from; hiding from. We won't be having children. Most of the time this smack down comes in the form of a pregnancy announcement. And when your husband is from a large family and most are married... well, it doesn't take long. If it is not an announcement, it is a birth. Our newest addition to the family is Gabe. He is around 3 months ago. Well, another sister in law is pregnant with her third. Now, this is a beautiful thing. That is what I was telling G-Man through my tears last night as I had my melt down. I was crying because I was sad for us, though I was happy for her. Very happy actually. (She recently had a miscarriage so please pray for this little one!) But I was angry too. Because his family NEVER talks about our problems with us. Infertility is ignored. How can something that defines so much of ourselves be ignored by his family? And I like his family. That is why it hurts sometimes. I don't care if people I don't like don't care about me and my feelings. I am so tired of being forced to share in people's good times when they won't share in our bad! If you won't support us through our difficult times, why should be celebrate with you, especially when that celebration causes us pain (And you should KNOW that!)

I leave for my retreat with the Sisters of Life in a week. This is going to be my confrontation with God weekend. And I think he is preparing me already.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Blessings of Knowing

I am coming out of my mourning time. I realize I will always mourn for the children I can never have with my husband but my deep grieving has faded a bit. I am seeing everyday how knowing that we won't be having biological children is a great blessing. I am free to move on; to focus my energy's on other things. For example, Theology of the Body Presentations or learning to be a CrMS practioner. All beautiful options that I can completely dedicate myself to without wondering, "What will happen when I get pregnant.

I think that even though G-Man and I knew right at the beginning that we would have problems conceiving, I have been just waiting around, hoping to get pregnant. I have been avoiding getting to involved in other things, including other passions of mine, because I wanted to be prepared for when God would give us a child. I am free to focus on other things now.

This does not lessen the pain but it does clear the mind.

I have a "hope chest" that I started a little while after G-Man and I got married. It wasn't the smartest thing to do because it just served as a reminder of what we don't have. But I went through  it a couple times since we found out. I am planning a retreat to the Sisters of Life in Feb. and will be giving all these beautiful items to them as a kind of healing and letting go symbol.

G-Man and I will be continuing Creighton for my health and for the beautiful blessings it gives our marriage.

G-Man and I would pray from the beginning of our marriage, "Lord, please give us children. But not our will but YOURS be done." What a wonderful blessing for us to know God's will  and be able to accept it even when it HURTS

“God in his providence has two ways of blessing marriages: one by giving them children; and the other, sometimes, because he loves them so much, by not giving them children. I don't know which is the better blessing. In any event, let one accept his own." St. Josemaria Escriva