Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Blessings of Knowing

I am coming out of my mourning time. I realize I will always mourn for the children I can never have with my husband but my deep grieving has faded a bit. I am seeing everyday how knowing that we won't be having biological children is a great blessing. I am free to move on; to focus my energy's on other things. For example, Theology of the Body Presentations or learning to be a CrMS practioner. All beautiful options that I can completely dedicate myself to without wondering, "What will happen when I get pregnant.

I think that even though G-Man and I knew right at the beginning that we would have problems conceiving, I have been just waiting around, hoping to get pregnant. I have been avoiding getting to involved in other things, including other passions of mine, because I wanted to be prepared for when God would give us a child. I am free to focus on other things now.

This does not lessen the pain but it does clear the mind.

I have a "hope chest" that I started a little while after G-Man and I got married. It wasn't the smartest thing to do because it just served as a reminder of what we don't have. But I went through  it a couple times since we found out. I am planning a retreat to the Sisters of Life in Feb. and will be giving all these beautiful items to them as a kind of healing and letting go symbol.

G-Man and I will be continuing Creighton for my health and for the beautiful blessings it gives our marriage.

G-Man and I would pray from the beginning of our marriage, "Lord, please give us children. But not our will but YOURS be done." What a wonderful blessing for us to know God's will  and be able to accept it even when it HURTS

 
“God in his providence has two ways of blessing marriages: one by giving them children; and the other, sometimes, because he loves them so much, by not giving them children. I don't know which is the better blessing. In any event, let one accept his own." St. Josemaria Escriva

2 comments:

  1. I can understand the comfort of knowing. I have wished more than once that someone would tell me that we could stop trying. The game of IF is so hard, and at times it can be unbearable.

    Continued prayers for you!

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  2. I agree with JB. I wish I could "know" too, although it doesn't make the road any easier.
    You have such a beautiful quote at the end. Oh my. It's so powerful. I pray that God speaks to you at your retreat and I will continue to pray for you.

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