I feel angry today.
I haven’t written in a long long while. This is partly because I was doing better with my infertility emotions and partly because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t doing great. Since I gave it all to God, completely, utterly, boundlessly; since I gave up actively pursuing having children to God, I have been doing well for the most part. I experience very often the beauty, the blessing, that is the cross of infertility. It hurts so much that I can't breath sometimes. But I have been trying very hard to not focus on this feeling. And I have made sure that there was a lot of other things to focus on. Christmas has a way though of bringing it all up front.
I was sitting in Mass today annoyed and angry at the families around me and at my well-intentioned parish priest who was talking about the importance of family and moms and dads. I just felt tense. And then I felt guilty for feeling so tense. Families, children, are wonderful things and those around me did nothing to deserve my tension but be great examples of the Christian family. I just felt exposed today, raw with emotions.
And this makes me angry sometimes, especially tonight.
G-Man and I were talking with a friend last night about the highlights of 2012 for us. And my wonderful husband said that this year has been a great year of us in my our relationship; that we have laughed a lot and this has been his highlight. I think about the amazing man that I married and I wouldn’t trade him for many children. But it also makes me want HIS children more. He is such a great husband and he would be a saint of a father. I want to see his eyes and his dimples on our child. I want to see his personality come out in the million little ways of an innocent child. We would have awe-inspiring children. Sometimes, at night, I dream about them in all their glory. The little girls have G-Man wrapped around their fingers and the boys are hellions, challenging and drive me crazy with how much they annoy their sisters. (which they learned from how G-Man likes to annoy me) I want to see my love of my husband take on flesh. And Christmas, when God took on flesh, reminds me so much more about this desire of my heart.
Everything else I am doing and filling my time with is a back-up plan. A beautiful, wonderful, grace-filled plan but plan B all the same.
And feeling this much emotion makes me angry. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel alone with my cross anymore. I don’t want to feel the emptiness of my womb so vividly. I just want to love my husband and my God through FLESH and SOUL. Eternally.