Sunday, December 16, 2012

Anger

I feel angry today.

I haven’t written in a long long while. This is partly because I was doing better with my infertility emotions and partly because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t doing great. Since I gave it all to God, completely, utterly, boundlessly; since I gave up actively pursuing having children to God, I have been doing well for the most part. I experience very often the beauty, the blessing, that is the cross of infertility. It hurts so much that I can't breath sometimes. But I have been trying very hard to not focus on this feeling. And I have made sure that there was a lot of other things to focus on. Christmas has a way though of bringing it all up front.
I was sitting in Mass today annoyed and angry at the families around me and at my well-intentioned parish priest who was talking about the importance of family and moms and dads. I just felt tense. And then I felt guilty for feeling so tense. Families, children, are wonderful things and those around me did nothing to deserve my tension but be great examples of the Christian family. I just felt exposed today, raw with emotions.

And this makes me angry sometimes, especially tonight.

G-Man and I were talking with a friend last night about the highlights of 2012 for us. And my wonderful husband said that this year has been a great year of us in my our relationship; that we have laughed a lot and this has been his highlight. I think about the amazing man that I married and I wouldn’t trade him for many children. But it also makes me want HIS children more. He is such a great husband and he would be a saint of a father. I want to see his eyes and his dimples on our child. I want to see his personality come out in the million little ways of an innocent child. We would have awe-inspiring children. Sometimes, at night, I dream about them in all their glory. The little girls have G-Man wrapped around their fingers and the boys are hellions, challenging and drive me crazy with how much they annoy their sisters. (which they learned from how G-Man likes to annoy me) I want to see my love of my husband take on flesh. And Christmas, when God took on flesh, reminds me so much more about this desire of my heart.

Everything else I am doing and filling my time with is a back-up plan. A beautiful, wonderful, grace-filled plan but plan B all the same.

And feeling this much emotion makes me angry. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel alone with my cross anymore. I don’t want to feel the emptiness of my womb so vividly. I just want to love my husband and my God through FLESH and SOUL. Eternally.

15 comments:

  1. I love you my Dear Mrs. Fitz. You would make an awesome Mommy. Although I do not often say it aloud I too always feel the ache that is constantly on your heart. I will always love you very very much and am always here to support you.

    ~G-Man

    P.S. Do I really annoy you that much??

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    1. This is really cute and unexpected! I have an amazing hubby!

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  2. I read this on my phone this morning, and my heart was aching for you. And then, just now when I came to comment, I saw the comment above from your husband. There are tears in my eyes for you both - such a beautiful testament to marriage and what it's all about.

    As someone who felt nothing but anger at this time last year, my heart breaks for you.

    Please know of my daily prayers for you.

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    1. Oh Rebecca, I think about you often! Meeting you was such a blessing! I love reading your blog and I pray for you all the time! I hope we meet again!

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    2. TOB 3 in June? It is on my calendar...

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    3. We should request to be roomies!

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    4. I think I will be rooming with a friend that I a driving down with... Though I would LOVE THAT!

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    5. No worries! It will be awesome just to see you again :).

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  3. I love you guys. Your children would be amazing and beautiful. My heart aches for you and you are in my prayers. I miss you and am sending you a big hug!

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  4. You are a beautiful person and it pains me to hear how you are feeling. My thoughts are with you often..sending hugs your way!
    -Leslie

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  5. When you said, "I want to see my love of my husband take on flesh," I could not agree more. I wish that I could do more than lift you up in prayer. I can tell you have such a sweet hubby with the comment he left you above.
    I will lift you up in prayer tonight at my holy hour.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! I read your blog regularly and it gives me strength. I hope your Christmas with the new little one is blessed! Know that you also are in my prayers. I hope one day, against ALL odds, we both experience an enfleshed miracle.

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  6. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through fully. I am just so sorry that not only do you have to face the battle of infertility but also cancer. I am putting your blog name at my desk to remember to pray for you and your husband more regularly. I really believe in the power of prayer. I also believe that God does miracles and can make a way where their seems no way...

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  7. I came across your blog and I have been praying for you constantly since. You two are on my heart. I am so sorry for the pain you feeling, and I am really humbled by your surrender.
    WIth love,
    Jenna C.

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