Thursday, December 20, 2012

Two Important Songs

I wanted to share two songs that my soul is singing out right now:

1) Broken Praise, Todd Smith: This song really touches where I have been for the last few days, always on the verge of tears; Frustrated, Angry, Hurt, At the very end of my rope,  And in love with GOD and my husband!

 
I was going to highlight the really powerful lyrics but bolding the whole song seemed a little silly!

If one more person takes my hand and tries to say they understand
Tells me there's a bigger plan that I'm not meant to see
If one more person dares suggest that I held something unconfessed
Tries to make the dots connect from righteousness to easy street
Well I, I won't deny I've relied on some assumptions
A man's honest life entitles him to something

But who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham?
And who are You that You would choose to answer me with mercy new
How many more will wander past to find me here among the ashes
Will you hold me? Will you stay?
So I can raise this broken praise to You

Who else will see my suffering as one more opportunity
To educate; to help me see all my flawed theology
If one more well intentioned friend tries to tie up my loose ends
Hoping to, with rug and broom, sweep awkward moments from the room
But I, I can't forget, I have begged just like a madman
For my chance to die and never have to face the morning

But who am I to make demands of the God of Abraham?
And who are You that You would choose to answer me with mercy new
How many more will wander past to find me sitting in this ash
Will you hold me? Will you stay?
So I can raise this broken praise to You

But You were the One who filled my cup
And You were the One who let it spill
So blessed be your Holy name if you never fill it up again
If this is where my story ends, just give me one more breathe to say
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah


2) Be Born in Me, Francesca Battistelli: This song may seem like an odd choice for someone who carries infertility since it is about Mary conceiving Jesus, BUT this song really speaks to how I want to live my life, to my frequent prayers to God. In many ways, this song IS my prayer to God. Lord, be born in me. Through my infertility make me abundantly spiritually fertile! This song is especially timely as Christmas is only 5 days away.
 
 
The bolded parts moved me to tears the first few times I heard this song. 

Everything inside me cries for order
Everything inside me wants to hide
Is this shadow an angel or a warrior?
If God is pleased with me, why am I so terrified?
Someone tell me I am only dreaming
Somehow help me see with Heaven's eyes
And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees
Holy is He. Blessed am I.


Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe
that You chose me
I'll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

All this time we've waited for the promise
All this time You've waited for my arms
Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected
So we might know that Love would go that far?


Be born in me, be born in me
Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me
I'll hold you in the beginning, You will hold me in the end
Every moment in the middle, make my heart your Bethlehem
Be born in me

I am not brave
I'll never be
The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy
I'm just a girl
Nothing more
But I am willing, I am Yours


Both these songs are from my new favourite cd, Music Inspired by THE STORY. Every song is realistically written from the perspective of a bible character. Beautiful and very thought provoking!



Sunday, December 16, 2012

Anger

I feel angry today.

I haven’t written in a long long while. This is partly because I was doing better with my infertility emotions and partly because I didn’t want to admit that I wasn’t doing great. Since I gave it all to God, completely, utterly, boundlessly; since I gave up actively pursuing having children to God, I have been doing well for the most part. I experience very often the beauty, the blessing, that is the cross of infertility. It hurts so much that I can't breath sometimes. But I have been trying very hard to not focus on this feeling. And I have made sure that there was a lot of other things to focus on. Christmas has a way though of bringing it all up front.
I was sitting in Mass today annoyed and angry at the families around me and at my well-intentioned parish priest who was talking about the importance of family and moms and dads. I just felt tense. And then I felt guilty for feeling so tense. Families, children, are wonderful things and those around me did nothing to deserve my tension but be great examples of the Christian family. I just felt exposed today, raw with emotions.

And this makes me angry sometimes, especially tonight.

G-Man and I were talking with a friend last night about the highlights of 2012 for us. And my wonderful husband said that this year has been a great year of us in my our relationship; that we have laughed a lot and this has been his highlight. I think about the amazing man that I married and I wouldn’t trade him for many children. But it also makes me want HIS children more. He is such a great husband and he would be a saint of a father. I want to see his eyes and his dimples on our child. I want to see his personality come out in the million little ways of an innocent child. We would have awe-inspiring children. Sometimes, at night, I dream about them in all their glory. The little girls have G-Man wrapped around their fingers and the boys are hellions, challenging and drive me crazy with how much they annoy their sisters. (which they learned from how G-Man likes to annoy me) I want to see my love of my husband take on flesh. And Christmas, when God took on flesh, reminds me so much more about this desire of my heart.

Everything else I am doing and filling my time with is a back-up plan. A beautiful, wonderful, grace-filled plan but plan B all the same.

And feeling this much emotion makes me angry. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to feel alone with my cross anymore. I don’t want to feel the emptiness of my womb so vividly. I just want to love my husband and my God through FLESH and SOUL. Eternally.