Sunday, May 5, 2013

Tears in the Driveway

I have a lot to say and nothing to say all at the same time. So I am sorry in advance if this entry is a little hard to follow. I have not written in a while (a month and a half) and I can feel all these words building up in me. Even as I write this, as I try to be honest with myself, I can feel myself start to well up and I wonder if I will even post this.

I went to Mass this evening and once I arrived home I sat in my driveway in my car and cried. I don’t know why I cried. I just cried. Hard and a lot.

I feel separate from the world of smiles and families. I saw so many beautiful babies today at my supposedly part-time job that is sucking my spirit dry. I want to scream at the world, G-Man and I ARE a family. We don’t need a child to be a family. We don’t need to adopt to be a family. We are a family. We can be happy without children. We don’t need a child to be happy. We don’t. I want the world to know that there is nothing deficient about my life and my relationship because I don’t have a child. I can be a mature happily married woman without a child.

And then my heart breaks. I feel loss so deeply that I can’t breath. I cry out to God and I feel Mary beside me, crying out with me. But I still cry. I still hurt so much. I feel a lack. I scream there is no lack but I feel the lack.

I race around with a million things to do. I am so busy right now that I describe myself right now as a overcooked pot roast, dry and dark. Then I take time to myself, to try and enjoy the relaxing moments. But the moment passes.

I had a wonderful day yesterday with my wonderful husband, walking around downtown in the beautiful weather.

But I feel the lack. I feel like our love hasn’t reached fulfillment. I want a biological child. I… I have no words left.

Everything I am doing is plan B. And right  now, I don’t like plan B. I want plan A.

I want to be too busy with my child instead of too busy with anything but a child.

I want to be that beautiful couple with the beautiful child at Mass. I want to raise my child to know and love Christ!

I cry out WHY!

Apparently I had some words left.

Can you tell what part of the cycle I am in?

8 comments:

  1. You are a family! I love you both so much and I am so sorry you have to bear this cross. Love you and can't wait to see you. You help and touch others so much and are so important to your friends you have no idea. I know that this is not much of a consolation to you immediate situation. But, just know that you are very loved and often thought of with full heart and not just by me but by the many lives you guys have touched by your generosity, love for life, and spunk. :)

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  2. I'm thinking we're at a similar point in our cycles, so I understand where you are coming from.

    Praying for you!

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  3. I'm so sorry =( I was in tears yesterday after mass too (a typical occurance) - seeing all the babies and pregnant women for an hour is brutal!! I'm so sorry.

    And yes, you are a family!!! You have such a gift to offer to the world - your love for your husband and vice versa. Jesus knows your hearts and counts your tears. He knows what you're suffering, even if no one else sees it. (That's something that comforts me.)

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  4. The question I hate the most (Whether asked of me or someone else) is "When are you going to start a family?" ugh! We started a family on the day we got married. Period. End.of.story.

    I've had many days where I sat in the car in front of my house and just cried. Sometimes it's just necessary. And, when you said: "I want to be too busy with my child instead of too busy with anything but a child." Oh my, those words are written on my heart.

    Sending lots of prayers your way - and so looking forward to seeing you next month!!

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    Replies
    1. I was inspired by your last post! And I can't wait for next month!

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  5. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Praying for you.

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