"Prepare me, Lord, for my nativity."
He will not leave my mothering heart empty. He wants to fill my motherhood until it is overflowing!
I am in the middle of a week of visiting my best friends and their two children, one of which is less then two weeks old. Looking at them parenting these two beautiful children is sharp; sharp moments of joy and of pain.
Thoughts like, "God doesn't want that for you. He doesn't care about the desires of your heart. Shouldn't you be over this infertility pain already?! Why are you putting yourself through this? Close yourself off! Stop poking a wound that God never intends to heal." But I want to say very firmly. THIS IS NOT GOD! I reject these thoughts. I trust is the Lord. Sometimes, I don't say this very firmly at all.
God has been faithful this week though. Despite the business with the cleaning and the children and the meal time and the crazy FUN, I have also had more time for prayer. God is strong enough to stand up to these lies even if I feel weak!
I am reading Mulieris Dignitatem (On the Dignity and Vocation of Women) right now and Bl. Pope John Paul II talks about the motherhood that is inherit in the personality of every women. This is a challenge to understand. I can think of some women I know who have no desire to be mothers and some who just never seemed traditionally mothering. And I wonder, how does this affect the women who want to be mothers but aren't. Does any of these situations cancel out what God has written on our hearts as women?
Instead, motherhood is part of my vocation as a woman! And God wants to satisfy this desire! My womanhood; my motherhood is not dependent on my state in life or on the number of children I have, whether biological or adopted, even if that number is always zero.
I feel like my motherhood is experiencing an Advent right now. God is preparing me to be fully myself, fully human, fully women, fully mother.
We live our faith in the tension of "already but not yet!" Perhaps that is where the fulfillment of my motherhood is as well.