Sometimes I wonder, "Do grant and I not have children because God knows we wouldn't make good parents?"
But then I get the opportunity to take care of some young cuties or I watch G-Man help train the alter servers and I know we would make amazing parents. I realize again that it is an unnatural tradegy that we won't be having children. Saything this, I know some of you are thinking, "Wait a second, what about adoption?" G-Man and I had said we would take some time to grieve and start discerning adoption when we turn 26. But somedays I think, "Nope, we aren't suppose to. God wants our focus somewhere else." Other moments, I can't breath at the thought of never being a mommy. But as of right now and for the foreseeable future (at least 2 years) we are childless.
I was putting 2 little ones to bed the other night as my friends went to the movies for a rare date night. The oldest, just shy of 3, just feel asleep and I went in to comfort the 10 month old little gent. The room was dark. I held him tight against myself, his sleepy head fighting resting on my shoulder. I pulled the curtains back a bit to let in some street light so I could see his beautiful face. I was swaying back and forth, humming softly. And I had a deeply moving moment. Everything just combined to make an awe-some moment that raised in me ever so gently a dull but powerful ache and a deep love for this fella.
It was a motherhood moment. No, I am not his mother but I experienced a wonderful taste of it. It didn't leave me bitter or sobbing at my loss but rather the gracious recipient of someone else's blessings. I was given just for a second a taste of a dream- the dream of motherhood. What a beautiful calling!
Honestly, yes, lately, I have felt a bit annoyed at mothers (and fathers) because everything seems to be about them and their children. Families with children are everywhere and I was feeling like a frustrated black sheep. But this feeling is futile. Families seem to be everywhere because they ARE! Families, children, ARE the natural reason for marriage and intercourse. It is like someone who is colour blind getting mad that in every picture the sky is blue- ot that others experience the blue sky. The solution isn't to make every else stop showing the sky as blue; to stop talking about it. But rather the colour blind must come to grips with the unchangable reality of a blue sky within himself. The families shouldn't hide their gift because it remind others that they don't have it. But rather SHARE the gift.
Like tonight, when I got to share, just for a moment, in someone else's motherhood.
Yes, it stings. But it is my lack that stings not their gift!
Now if only I can remember this moment in Church on Sundays. Sometimes Sundays are the hardest days.
ANOTHER MOMENT WITH THIS FAMILY:
I went over to visit a few weeks ago and the mommy and I were just chatting and she said off handedly, "Ya, nothing brings you closer to your mom then having children yourself."
Then she instantly stopped, looked at me and apologized to me. She said, "Oh, I'm sorry! What an insensitive thing to say." I was speechless! NOT because of what she said about motherhood relationships but that she apologized. The comment actually didn't really bother me. I think you build up a resistance to this type of comment because you hear them ALL the time. But I am not used to someone realizing it might be hurtful! Someone thinking about me and caring enough to apologize! I was so touched! Deeply touched that my feelings and struggles were considered and mattered, were remembered.
I find with infertility other people tend to forget you are living with it even 5 seconds after you are done talking about it. Or never mention it though they know you are dealing with something so difficult.
Yet here was this beautiful women with her beautiful 2 children right there thinking about ME! Telling G-Man about this experience later brought tears to my eyes.
So I guess the point of this post is thanking God for the little graces, comforts and acts of kindness that give me strength to go yet other cycle without a child.