I have a lot to say and nothing to say all at the same time. So I am sorry in advance if this entry is a little hard to follow. I have not written in a while (a month and a half) and I can feel all these words building up in me. Even as I write this, as I try to be honest with myself, I can feel myself start to well up and I wonder if I will even post this.
I went to Mass this evening and once I arrived home I sat in my driveway in my car and cried. I don’t know why I cried. I just cried. Hard and a lot.
I feel separate from the world of smiles and families. I saw so many beautiful babies today at my supposedly part-time job that is sucking my spirit dry. I want to scream at the world, G-Man and I ARE a family. We don’t need a child to be a family. We don’t need to adopt to be a family. We are a family. We can be happy without children. We don’t need a child to be happy. We don’t. I want the world to know that there is nothing deficient about my life and my relationship because I don’t have a child. I can be a mature happily married woman without a child.
And then my heart breaks. I feel loss so deeply that I can’t breath. I cry out to God and I feel Mary beside me, crying out with me. But I still cry. I still hurt so much. I feel a lack. I scream there is no lack but I feel the lack.
I race around with a million things to do. I am so busy right now that I describe myself right now as a overcooked pot roast, dry and dark. Then I take time to myself, to try and enjoy the relaxing moments. But the moment passes.
I had a wonderful day yesterday with my wonderful husband, walking around downtown in the beautiful weather.
But I feel the lack. I feel like our love hasn’t reached fulfillment. I want a biological child. I… I have no words left.
Everything I am doing is plan B. And right now, I don’t like plan B. I want plan A.
I want to be too busy with my child instead of too busy with anything but a child.
I want to be that beautiful couple with the beautiful child at Mass. I want to raise my child to know and love Christ!
I cry out WHY!
Apparently I had some words left.
Can you tell what part of the cycle I am in?