Tuesday, September 3, 2013

TOB III Reflections Tuesday and Wednesday Part 1 "Be Born In Me"


*The song “Be Born in Me” (which I have posted about before) was basically the theme song for the whole week but over Tuesday and Wednesday God really allowed me to PRAY the lyrics.  Today has been a very difficult day for many reasons. I think that God is expanding my heart's ability to love and, naturally, this is leading to pain. Going back and reading my reflections from this very fruitful week has been exactly what I needed tonight. So, here is my actual reflections on the song from that wonderful week.*
 
 
BE BORN IN ME by Francesca Battistelli

Everything inside me cries for order

             For understanding, or an answer to my sorrow, my ache.

Everything inside me wants to hide

                Hide my face. Hide my shame. Hide my misfortune. Hide my vulnerability

Is this shadow an angel or a warrior?

Foreshadowing of heaven: a message or a judgement? A blessing or a curse? Redemption or death?

If God is pleased with me, why am I so terrified?-

If God is a loving God, then why do I have to deal with this. Is my infertility from God?

Someone tell me I am only dreaming

Someone tell me that this pain from infertility isn't real and isn't going to last. I am searching for a way out of the pain. That all I have to do in open my eyes or pray to this saint at this shrine in this order and I will be fertile

Somehow help me see with Heaven's eyes

But I recognize something. You are there. Help me see. Suffering = cross=good, holy, redeeming ache

And before my head agrees, my heart is on its knees

And as I come to you with this pain, before I even answer if I can accept a God that would allow this pain, I am surrendering. Everything now is crying out to you, the satisfaction of this hunger.

Holy is He. Blessed am I.

And HOLY is He: on fire for love of us. And BLESSED am I that I can share in this fire, that you want me to share in this fire.

 
Be born in me, be born in me

Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me

Trembling Heart: My heart trembles from the pain, the tears I've shed. I'm trembling from fear that you've chosen me to be an infertile witness (why me, Lord?) and I'm trembling from the thought that maybe you didn't choose me. The idea now of losing my infertility, of someone trying to take my cross away.

I'll hold You in the beginning,

I will cling to You: 1) To Christ, 2) To my suffering. I will hold, almost hug, my suffering. I won't abandon this cross.

You will hold me in the end

You will hold me in the end:  1)My desire will be fulfilled in you. My desire for Eternal Life. 2) My cross will hold me up to heaven.

Every moment in the middle, make my heart Your Bethlehem

Every moment of my life until I reach you, dwell in me. Give me only the fertility that you want me to have.

Be born in me

Be BORN in ME: I am open. Impregnate me with your life. Light my FLESH ON FIRE for your life. Let everything about me, let my body, cry out with YOUR LIFE! Let me, my body and the union of my body and my husbands body, direct others to and witness to the SOURCE OF LIFE.


All this time we've waited for the promise

You have promised my marriage would be fruitful. I have been waiting on you. I have been living in this ache, trying to balance my impatience and your  providence.

All this time You've waited for my arms

But YOU, you my beautiful embodied savior, have been waiting on my open arms! You come to us as bread to be consumed. You have been waiting for my embrace!

Did You wrap yourself inside the unexpected

Are you using an infertile women to show the world your life-giving love, your fertility, to witness to the beauty of life? Wouldn't it be more expected to use a fertile women. You came as a little helpless child when we were expecting a warrior. Now we are need a strong message for LIFE and you use the lack to speak about the abundance!

So we might know that Love would go that far?

And how far in Love are we willing to go? Love is willing to surrender completely to the care of a women, to be completely dependent on God. In the creation of life and especially when conception is difficult or impossible, we realize just how dependent on you we are, we have to become. How far do you want me to take my love for you, for my husband and for children. Take it to the Cross; to the point of death. Until I am bleeding for a child I will never know?

 
Be born in me, be born in me

Trembling heart, somehow I believe that You chose me

I'll hold You in the beginning, You will hold me in the end

Roles reversed: You are holding me in the beginning of this. Holding me right at my point of deepest pain. Holding me at my birth and you know the plans you have for me. And I will hold you in the end, through the cross of infertility.

Every moment in the middle, make my heart Your Bethlehem

Make my whole being your dwelling place. Make my body like Mary's!

Be born in me

 
I am not brave. I'll never be.

I can do nothing without you. I am empty, help me to be completely empty. To expose this wound to you is impossible without you. There is nothing I can do to penetrate into this deep ache without you. And I can not fix this myself. I can not survive this by my strength.

The only thing my heart can offer is a vacancy

the only thing my heart can offer is the emptiness, is the pain, the anger, the frustration, the dry burn!!!

I'm just a girl

I am  not God. I can not create life. I can not do what my body refuses to do.

Nothing more

There is nothing left in me. There is nothing left.  I am empty. Empty me. HUMBLE ME.

But I am willing, I am Yours

But I am willing. I am willing to open. I might not be able to open completely to you, but I am willing. I might not understand HOW or WHY but I am willing. I am YOURS. There is nothing left but you.
 
* My next reflection from the TOBIII week of wonder will be on my husbands gift to me*
*Hopefully you won't have to wait as long for the next blog post*