Tuesday, March 4, 2014
I Still Believe
This is my big revelation from today,
I don't understand God.
That's it. I don't understand God and how He loves us.
Today has not been a good day. I got nothing done simply because I didn't do anything. I have been very 'down' and 'blue' and (to be honest) I've wallowed all day. I am still in my PJ's and it is 5:30pm. G-Man is going to be home from work any minute. I had a good 30 minute cry-fest around noon. I've been breaking down occasionally throughout the rest of the day.
Because I don't understand God and I am upset. I am angry and life isn't fair!
I started spotting today and I know that my period is coming/here. This is not big news. My period came, like it does every month.
Since October, I have been reconnecting my desire for children to God and HOPING in God, believing in miracles again. This has been a very difficult process but I thought that this is what God wanted. It certainly sounds good. But it is painful. Because believing in miracles means I have to believe in the impossible. And when the impossible STAYS impossible, you know who gets hurt? ME! I do!
I feel like it is cruel for God to ask me to believe that He will 'satisfy my heart' and then NOT satisfy it! It seems easier to just not believe; to close my heart up!
But I know no other way to live anymore except through Christ and BELIEF in Christ's resurrection. So, despite all of this anger and this misunderstanding, Here is my prayer! Here is my Heart's Cry!
I Still BELIEVE!