Tuesday, March 4, 2014

I Still Believe




This is my big revelation from today,


I don't understand God.


That's it. I don't understand God and how He loves us.


Today has not been a good day. I got nothing done simply because I didn't do anything. I have been very 'down' and 'blue' and (to be honest) I've wallowed all day. I am still in my PJ's and it is 5:30pm. G-Man is going to be home from work any minute. I had a good 30 minute cry-fest around noon. I've been breaking down occasionally throughout the rest of the day.


Why?


Because I don't understand God and I am upset. I am angry and life isn't fair!


I started spotting today and I know that my period is coming/here. This is not big news. My period came, like it does every month.


Since October, I have been reconnecting my desire for children to God and HOPING in God, believing in miracles again. This has been a very difficult process but I thought that this is what God wanted. It certainly sounds good. But it is painful. Because believing in miracles means I have to believe in the impossible. And when the impossible STAYS impossible, you know who gets hurt? ME! I do!


I feel like it is cruel for God to ask me to believe that He will 'satisfy my heart' and then NOT satisfy it! It seems easier to just not believe; to close my heart up!


But I know no other way to live anymore except through Christ and BELIEF in Christ's resurrection. So, despite all of this anger and this misunderstanding, Here is my prayer! Here is my Heart's Cry!
I Still BELIEVE!

13 comments:

  1. I'm with you 100% on not understanding God. I want to surrender my desire to understand, and I just can't. (Alright, to be completely accurate, I haven't been able to yet. Maybe some day.) Prayers that this evening gets better!

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    1. Many thanks for the prayers! I think I felt them the moment you said them. This evening was a bit better than the day!

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  2. I hear you!!! I do not understand either. Faith in the midst of uncertainty is a mark of true holiness. Thank you for sharing your honest thoughts and your determination to keep believing. <3

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I have been praying for you!

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  3. All of this resonates with me. I totally understand wanting to be hopeful and "think positive happy thoughts" about being pregnant, but it just ends up making CD1s even worse. So sorry you're having a rough go. This stuff is so stinky. Praying for you!

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    1. VERY STINKY indeed! Hopefully Lent will provide this whole Cross with a good bath!

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  4. IF is such a hard cross, especially on days like today. I'm sorry you had a rough day. I believe God will satisfy our hearts, but it might not necessarily be how we want or what we have in mind. It's hard for me to accept too. I'm praying for you.

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers! Coming right back at'cha!

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  5. I believe God wants to surprise us somehow. Like any father wants to suprise his children with his gifts for them. We just don't know what those gifts our. I totally feel your pain, though and will keep you, me and all struggling with conceiving or bringing forth babies or adopting in prayer!

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    1. A Surprise... I like that. I think I will ponder that idea! Thank you!

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  6. I don't think that there's any other prayer that you could pray that would be more beautiful than "I still believe", even when it hurts so bad that nothing makes sense. Praying for you!

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  7. I know it's taken me forever to get over here and comment, but I've been praying and I hope by now you are doing at least a little better.

    I can so relate to this - I find myself saying "I do believe Jesus, help my unbelief" many times a day, it's the only prayer that seems genuine some days.

    Much love for you my sweet friend.

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